Sea of options

What to do when you are made to feel like you’re just one option in a sea of options?

Unfortunetly for humans in the 21st century this is a feeling we all know too well. For me this is something that cuts particularly deep. Is it my Leo moon that takes rejection so personally? Is it my childhood trauma of being bullied that gets reignited every time somebody makes me feel like I’m worthless? I’ll never know why I take it so personally, but dealing with rejection and being made to feel like I’m just one choice of many is something that I have never been good at dealing with. Its hard because as a human being you want to feel like you are special, but when you get treated the opposite of that it becomes increasingly difficult to not believe what your subconscious thoughts and past trauma want you to believe.

Recently, I met a guy on the online apps before I made the move to Miami and I thought I had found somebody special that would treat me like I was special too. He seemed very interested in me and unlike other guys where it was like I was conducting a one sided interview, he would ask about my life and it seemed like he was genuinely interested in getting to know me as a person. I was attracted to him and thought I finally found someone that I wanted to invest my time in (I have 4 planets in Capricorn so that’s the reason I treat everything like it’s a corporation). Fast forward to me moving to Miami and we’re still talking, but its not like before and the conversations are hollow. He asks to meet up with me and we make tentative plans, but of course nothing is finalized the day before and he never ends up following through with making plans or meeting up. Of course, I did what every immature 30 year old would do and I don’t respond to his texts and ghosted him for a month.

More than anything in life I hate that “what if” questions so after a month fo not talking I reached out to him and to my surprise he responded back and we started talking again still with hollow conversations consisting with not much more than asking about each others day and week. Once again he asks me to hang out and once again he cancels the day of. Honestly I wasn’t even that hurt because I was expecting it and after giving him another chance and seeing him react the same way is a surefire way to make sure you don’t live with the “what ifs.”

What I’ve learned through my experience is that the best way to deal with rejection is to get rejected a lot. Going to Miami has been good for that because I feel like I’ve never allowed myself to get rejected so much in my life as I have in the last few weeks. The hardest thing about rejection for me is not taking it seriously and personally and believing that there is something wrong with me that makes people reject me so much. Recently I’ve been learning more about attachment theory and the different attachments styles. There’s tests you can do online that tell you what attachment style you may have and I have to say the attachment style that is dominant in me does explain the pattern I see in my life and in my relationships (and its not always romantic either).

With this new knowledge of attachment styles and what my patterns and thoughts are, I’ve been trying to turn this experience into a blessing because being rejected by other people has helped me be nicer and more loving to myself. Every time I am rejected by somebody else I take it as a way to tell the little girl in me that she is beautiful and sweet and deserving of all the love in the world and there is absolutely nothing wrong with her.

I love having this blog as a way to monitor my self growth. Reading the previous blog about my roommate and seeing what a different place I am in right now is exciting because I know that in just a few months I will be in a totally new situation and a new place and it’s fun to see the trajectory of how far I’ve come.

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