I believe there is a great power in speaking your truth no matter how shocking or embarrassing it might be. I never let myself feel or look vulnerable. I prefer to be strong and always the one to listen to everyone else’s problems while people seldom asks me how I’m doing and truly care.
Maybe that is why I got a blog because I know I can put my thoughts out there and it feels like I am sharing them with the world and finally allowing myself to be vulnerable whilst also knowing that they will not reach that many people and my secret is still safe with me.
Maybe I will continue to speaks my truths a little at a time, but today I want to share one of the most embarrassing facts about me. I am a thirty year old woman and in my adult life I have never had a boyfriend. I don’t want to make it seem like I am so unwanted and abandoned by the world, I have had people show interest but it is never anybody who I am attracted to or feel a connection with.
I have tried to put myself out there and try dating apps or meet people at the bar and the people who I am interested in don’t really seem interested in me at the slightest. I deleted my dating profile yesterday because I felt like a hamster in a wheel repeating the same routine over and over and over. I would show interest in someone and they would either not reciprocate or start a half-assed conversation that would eventually leave me on read.
I’ve tried going to bars with my girlfriends and putting myself out there and being social, but doing that makes me feel like I am a piece of furniture or decor because men always flock to whatever friend I’m with not realizing or care that I am there. I don’t think I’m ugly, but maybe we see ourselves a lot better than what we really are. I think I’m interesting because of my travels, but maybe I just don’t realize just how boring I truly am.
I have had interest in one man who reciprocated my feelings at least for a couple of days and that is why I still can’t let his memory go 7 years later. I tried to convince myself its an unrequited love when in reality it was only the excitement that somebody I liked actually saw me. My friends tried to convince me to reach out to him, but I know if I ever did that and said “Hey this is (insert my name here)” he would text back and say “Who?!” I deleted his pictures that I had and his phone number because my presence is inconsequential to him and I don’t need to text him to know that.
Sometimes I think about settling and being with one of the people who like me who I don’t have a connection or attraction to, but then I realize I would rather be on my own. I have to be real with myself, some people just aren’t meant to find love and maybe I am one of those people and maybe that is ok.
“Dawn is coming, Open your eyes” -Jose Gonzalez