I believe there is a great power in speaking your truth no matter how shocking or embarrassing it might be. I never let myself feel or look vulnerable. I prefer to be strong and always the one to listen to everyone else’s problems while people seldom asks me how I’m doing and truly care.
Maybe that is why I got a blog because I know I can put my thoughts out there and it feels like I am sharing them with the world and finally allowing myself to be vulnerable whilst also knowing that they will not reach that many people and my secret is still safe with me.
Maybe I will continue to speaks my truths a little at a time, but today I want to share one of the most embarrassing facts about me. I am a thirty year old woman and in my adult life I have never had a boyfriend. I don’t want to make it seem like I am so unwanted and abandoned by the world, I have had people show interest but it is never anybody who I am attracted to or feel a connection with.
I have tried to put myself out there and try dating apps or meet people at the bar and the people who I am interested in don’t really seem interested in me at the slightest. I deleted my dating profile yesterday because I felt like a hamster in a wheel repeating the same routine over and over and over. I would show interest in someone and they would either not reciprocate or start a half-assed conversation that would eventually leave me on read.
I’ve tried going to bars with my girlfriends and putting myself out there and being social, but doing that makes me feel like I am a piece of furniture or decor because men always flock to whatever friend I’m with not realizing or care that I am there. I don’t think I’m ugly, but maybe we see ourselves a lot better than what we really are. I think I’m interesting because of my travels, but maybe I just don’t realize just how boring I truly am.
I have had interest in one man who reciprocated my feelings at least for a couple of days and that is why I still can’t let his memory go 7 years later. I tried to convince myself its an unrequited love when in reality it was only the excitement that somebody I liked actually saw me. My friends tried to convince me to reach out to him, but I know if I ever did that and said “Hey this is (insert my name here)” he would text back and say “Who?!” I deleted his pictures that I had and his phone number because my presence is inconsequential to him and I don’t need to text him to know that.
Sometimes I think about settling and being with one of the people who like me who I don’t have a connection or attraction to, but then I realize I would rather be on my own. I have to be real with myself, some people just aren’t meant to find love and maybe I am one of those people and maybe that is ok.
“Dawn is coming, Open your eyes” -Jose Gonzalez
The great American poet William Blake once said, “What is now proved was once only imagined” and in my opinion those are some of the truest words that have ever been spoken.
As I’ve mentioned in a previous post, I have recently embarked on a journey to self discovery and self actualization (you should’ve seen how I first tried to spell that, yikes!) and on this journey I have read many amazing books.
One of those books is by the late self-help author and speaker Wayne Dyer called Wishes Fulfilled. The book is filled with knowledge and advice about how to get the life you want, however, one of the topics that stood out to me was about imagination. In the chapter on imagination Wayne brings up William Blake and his quote that you read at the top of this page. This quote really resonated with me because I believe that we are, as the great philosopher and lyricist Lana Del Rey said, “the masters of our fate and the captains of our own souls” (just kidding guys I know it was William Ernest Henley, so don’t come for me).
Lately I’ve been writing in my manifestation journal and imagining how I want my life to be. I thought about sharing that vision here, however, I am choosing to keep it close to my heart as the world is filled with energy vampires who love nothing more than to try and crush your dreams and spirit.There is no greater gift than in the knowledge that you have the power to change your reality and I cannot wait to see my imagination become my reality.
Do you believe in the concept of soulmates? In what some people would call a twin flame? I wasn’t exactly sold on the concept until it happened to me.
In the movie “Almost Famous” the character of Elaine Miller introduces psychoanalyst Carl Jung saying, “In Carl Jung’s opinion, we all have a sixth sense – intuition. When you meet someone and you suddenly feel like you can’t live without them. This could be the memory of a past love from the collective unconscious. Or it could just be hormones.”
I have to ask myself are you in the hormone troop or the collective unconscious troop? I’ve been thinking about this question a lot lately and based on my experience I really do think we connect and reconnect with the same soul over and over throughout millennia.
Here’s my story and depending on your stance on the subject it’s either fated love or a pathology…you decide!
So we met on Halloween night at a club and from the beginning it was like sparks flew and like I was experiencing the world for the first time (cheesy I know). We went on a single date and it was one of the most awkward dates I had ever been on and the night ended abruptly without us making plans for a second one. We would text off and on until eventually he disappeared into nothingness.
A long time had passed and I mean years and I didn’t give his memory a second thought. A few months ago I started down my spiritual journey and he all of a sudden popped into my mind out of nowhere. I decided to do what every 21st century women does when she thinks of a past love interest and look him up. Thanks to the Google Gods I was able to get all the answers to the questions I had all those years ago.
He’s married and I’m somebody who respects that so I will deffinetly not be contacting him, but I can’t help but wonder why the Universe brought his memory back at this exact time. What am I meant to learn from this? I know someday I will get my answers, but for now I just sit here scratching my head.
I have lived in NYC for 11 years now. Sure I have my favorite neighborhoods and my local spots that I like to go to, but in all that time I have never really explored the area of NYC known as the West Village. The West Village is categorized as a neighborhood in the Western section of Greenwich Village in lower Manhattan and is home to many historic sites and has played background in many monumental movements. Of course I had been to the West Village before, but I had never taken the time to appreciate just how serene the neighborhood is. The pace is a little slower here. The people a little kinder. It doesn’t feel like you are surrounded by a million of strangers, but rather your neighbors. The West Village is also home to some of the most Instagramable restaurants you will ever see, with one outdoing the other.
One of those place is a little restaurant and bar called While We Were Young located on West 10th street. Not only is the pink and rose aesthetic of this place what dreams are made of, but the service here is unbeatable. From the waiters to the bartender the people who work here are so kind, they really made my experience here super enjoyable. Im sure they are over having a million people stopping by for pictures here, but nobody ever said anything and were always super gracious.
Although I didn’t get food here, I did get the “One Night Stand” cocktail with watermelon and chili powder, which was delicious. I would honestly give this place 5/5 stars. There are Instagramable places all over NYC, however, when you find a place thats’s not only your aesthetic goals but also a place where you can get a great cocktail and smile you tell people about it! Also thank you to my beautiful friend Sierra for inspiring me to explore the West Village more to for always being down to be an urban explorer with me.
I’ve been at a very vulnerable point in my life lately. When I was younger I devoted a lot of time to progressing in my spiritual journey, going to meditation and yoga and reading every self help book I could get my hands on. However, life got in the way and my focus went to something else that didn’t require so much work and dedication.
Lately I’ve gotten so comfortable in my routine, in my place in the universe and the predictability that each day provided. Then about 2 weeks ago I decided I wasn’t happy with my situation I started back up on my spiritual journey and about 3 days after I returned back to my path of mindfulness and inner peace, everything in my life was turned upside down.
I don’t want to put it out there now, but so many different little things happened this last week a half that it’s hard to ignore that the universe is speaking to me directly. However, I wish I knew what the message is and how I can learn from this situation. And then 2 days ago my roommate of the last 3 years messaged me on Facebook to tell me I have to find a new place to live by April because her new boyfriend will be moving in. It felt like life as a I knew it was falling apart. Hadn’t I had enough changes, don’t I have enough on my plate right now, do I really need to worry about something else? I longed for the comfort of the routine of each day and wished for the anxiety of the unknown to go away.
However, it is not accident that my spiritual journey started and then the rug was pulled from under me. I don’t know if the universe felt like I was finally strong enough for the changes it brought me, or it heard the thoughts that I didn’t want to admit to myself that I am not happy but I am also not strong enough to make the changes on my own and I need a push like a baby bird out of the nest thats felt so comfortable. I know that everything will work out in the end. Even though the anxiety is still tugging at my heart and at my mind, I know that I will look back at this as an exciting beginning to a new chapter. I cannot wait to look at this in six months or a year with fondness and think to myself if you only knew how good things are about to get.
Being in nature has always helped quiet my anxious mind.